There is no end date
When all of this started, it was mass chaos. We were told to stay in our homes until further notice. In my mind, I was going to make the best out of it. There was surely going to be an end date. We would be let out into this new world, and although different, it would be good. But the reality is that there is no end date. I knew rationally that the virus was not just going to disappear one day, but there was this euphoric feeling and dreaming about better days with better people in a better world. It’s what kept me going and hope alive. I still believe in this new reality, the positives and the challenges, but I also know there comes a time where it is imperative for me to understand fully that this is going to last longer, affect my life more than I ever could’ve imagined, and that it is time for a little planning.
I take things day by day, but it’s time to do a little planning
I am a planner like I have mentioned before. It helps me stay focused, structured, and motivated. However, there are certain times in life, where you need to spend time just trying to survive. In these times, it is important to take care of ourselves and put ourselves first. This is one of those times. I needed to give myself time to breathe, feel, cry, and all of those other yucky emotions. I knew if I didn’t, I would eventually feel them all, and it would be more difficult to crawl my way out of it. My anxiety was getting the best of me, and at some point, I realized having a schedule was important. Even if it was just a few simple things a day, I needed it. It was extremely helpful for the last two months, but it is time to really think about what to do next.
I am having a bit of an existential crisis
Ahhh… What do I do next? Some days, I am patient, grateful, and just doing what I think I should be doing. Other days, I am wanting to get out of here. If you don’t already know, I live in big city, and we are not going anywhere soon. I dream of a road trip that I have always wanted to take. I dream of sitting on a remote island with sun in my face and a drink in my hand and saying YOLO. Then I realize my responsibilities, my impulsivity, my anxiety, and my sometimes lack of patience, and I get back to reality. But is there something more from these little mind escapes? I honestly don’t know, but time will tell 😊
I am being given an opportunity to rise up and I am scared
I am a homebody that studies and works from home. I thrive in creating things, and this time, could be a very good time for me to rise up, and put myself out there. I can feel it in my gut. I will say I am proud of myself for changing things up and trying new things, but I know I can dig deeper. But I am scared. Now the question is, am I going to do it? Because I know, deep down inside, I will always have to do things scared.
I am not ready for these changes and I never will be
For most of my life, I hated change. I avoided it at all costs until I was so miserable, I was forced to deal with it. I didn’t accept it, but I dealt with it. It was hard, still is hard. But as I began to accept change, I was able to live more of my life and my purpose. Yes, cliché, but true. The reality is that I used to think there would be times when I was ready for change. The truth was that I was avoiding it, and life threw curve balls all the time, so when was this magical time for change to happen? The answer is never. I will always have anxiety and be scared, but I accept that, and I need to show up anyways.
I feel stuck and liberated all at the same time
This seems like jumbo shrimp or one of the other hundreds of oxymorons, but I truly feel both. I feel stuck because I am experiencing Groundhog Day daily, and there is no rulebook on how to move forward. But at the same time, there has never been a time where I am free, and I can be creative and liberated as well. I have this time to learn more about me and trust in my purpose and instincts.
I am angry that this put a hold on milestones I’ve had planned this year
This may sound selfish, but I am being honest. I am devastated over what this virus is doing to people and I am disgusted that people are losing their lives. These are my feelings first and foremost, and I have been and will do my part in helping as many people as I can, even if that’s just staying home. But there is this anger I have towards huge goals I intended on accomplishing this year. Long story short, I have worked hard to get to this point after years of not really living and living for others and not myself. I put in the work for myself and I sacrificed time and energy to get to this point, just to stay in my house. I believe in timing, and I know there is a silver lining, but I am allowed to feel anger and sadness over this and so are you. It does not make you a bad or selfish person. It just makes you human.
I am more grateful for the little things than I have ever been in my life
Gratitude is spoken of a lot. I would discuss my gratitude, but I can’t say I actually took the time out to feel it and be present with it. But during this time and even before, I started to write down what I was grateful for every single day. At first, it seemed pointless, and there were days I could barely write down anything. But by showing up every day, I started to feel the gratitude. I began to see all of the little things for what they were worth instead of just saying it. This time has made me even more grateful.
I need people way more than I ever thought I did
I never thought I would say this. I really had gotten used to being a loner. I didn’t want to deal with being hurt and disappointed anymore. I was tired of the hurt. I needed a break. Well, the break turned into a lifestyle. I was glad to get to work on me, but it began to get lonely and I craved for deeper connections. But it still seemed too risky to take the chance. Could I handle the hurt or would it send me to rock bottom again? I knew I couldn’t go back there, but I also knew that I would never go back there. I started to realize this and act upon it only a handful or more months before the pandemic. But this time has definitely made me realize my need for human connection. I am going to continue to grow and take the risks, and slowly but surely, I will take those risks. I am open, and they are worth it no matter what comes of them.
This is not a nightmare. This is real life, and I need to deal with it
I really thought that this was a nightmare. I mean it is a nightmare. Every morning, I would wake up and think that things were normal. And then, I would realize that this is life. I would try to go back to sleep because it just felt like too much. I was hoping it was a nightmare, and one day, I would wake up, and it would all be over. I thought that so many times that I actually started to believe it. It almost became a scapegoat to stay in this little bubble until it popped. I was in denial, and I needed to get back to reality and dealing with this situation. And that’s it folks, this is where I am at. Stay tuned for more to come! 😊