Born in my heart is dedicated to all of the loss and joy that comes from my unique parenthood journey. This blog will follow my fostering journey, starting off from why I decided to foster and my experiences therefore after. This will include my struggles with infertility, loss, and all of the ups, downs, and emotions I felt and feel as I continue forward.
My hope is to share my story so others feel less alone and more heard. My hope is that others will share their stories. My hope is that, although we are on our own unique journey, that we can collectively heal as a community.
So, let’s get started. Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of having a family. I didn’t understand how and when it would work or even happen, but it was obvious to me that sooner or later it would happen. But as time went on, I was unable to have the family that I always wanted. It broke my heart. I didn’t want to feel the pain. My relationship was toxic, and I think we both knew that deep down in our hearts, it wasn’t going to work, and even more so, children would not be a part of our lives.
I began to feel as though it was some sort of punishment from the universe. Or maybe I did something wrong. I felt lost, and it was one of the few things I couldn’t just make happen; work hard and accomplish it. I began to spiral in my thoughts and in my actions. I wasn’t true to myself, and I acted out. All of my triggers and trauma began to come to the surface, and anger and toxic behaviors began to take over. That’s how I coped. It made me temporarily forget this part of my life, and at the same time, gave me the ability to keep my dreams of a family alive. This worked for a little while, but I knew deep down inside that it wouldn’t be sustainable. But what was I supposed to do? To be continued….