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For a long time, I was so angry...

For a long time, I was so angry. I thought that I had dealt with my trauma correctly by discussing, forgiving, and healing it. But I kept having outbursts; I kept getting triggered. I was allowing others to take my power. I couldn't stop. I got angry, had expectations that didn't get met, cried, forgave, and started again. This was until I knew I had to break this cycle. But how? I had to get to the root of the problem. I was hurting, and I was so sad. I just wanted to be heard, held, and respected. But it was coming out as anger. I need to give those things to me. I needed to practice forgiveness and healing, not just say it. But I first need to give those things to me. Remember, your anger is not about the topics you argue about, but rather about the deep issues.
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I've come to realize that I never really learned how to deal with my emotions...

I've come to realize that I never really learned how to deal with my emotions; they were bothersome to most. They usually didn't fit with the day's agenda so that just meant they got tucked away inside; I was an emotional hoarder. In time, each emotion started rearing its ugly head. But it was usually chalked up to hormones or some trendy 'crisis.' The reality is that I didn't know how to regulate my emotions. It wasn't until I realized that adult temper tantrums & volatile relationships weren't the norm, that I realized I had a lot of work to do. I still struggle w/ my emotions. How much is too much? Am I expressing myself enough? Is this in the normal range of emotions, & what is really normal? I'll keep learning, practicing, succeeding & failing, & starting all over again. That's the beautifully messy part of the growth journey.
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Oath to Myself and Loved Ones

  1. I love you. I don't want to be so hard on you, and talk so harshly at times. I am sorry, and I appreciate you for exactly who you are.
  2. I am sorry I have doubted you and minimized your feelings. I apologize for imposing others' thoughts onto you.
  3. You are so very special. You have so much love, life, passion, consideration, and knowledge to give to this world.
  4. Please know that I will love you unconditionally through it all, and in the hard times, I will listen, not just hear, I will communicate not just talk, and I will be present, not just here
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I pray that we all find happiness...

I pray that we all find happiness. More than the temporary kind; more fulfilling than the impulsive kind. The real kind, in present tense. More than the hopeful futuristic version; more than the kind that originates from others. The kind of happiness that radiates throughout your face. It makes a home in your heart, warmth in your belly, and fire in your soul. Even on the bad days, it remains within you. That's the happiness I want for us all. That's the kind of happiness we all deserve.
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