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Because They Said They Loved Me: I Pushed Them Away

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You rode your bicycle by my house as you turned your head the other way. But I could see your nervous grin and your flushed face. You were just another boy; another disappointment. Not because of who you were, but because of who I was; sly in my motives, arrogant in my actions, and dangerous in the numbness that took over my heart.

Then one day, I saw you again. But this time I was broken, far from the girl you once admired. Another bad day brought to you by another bad guy. You came up to me and you had the same look. How could he look at me like there was no one else in the room?

You made me laugh for hours; and hours turned into days, days turned into months, and months turned into years. You were there through the darkest times as you were there during the best times, but you just weren’t there at the right time.

I look back and I see the genuineness. I see the love and I see the loyalty. You took my critiques as you saw that they had nothing to do with you. You knew you represented all the ones before you, and you still stayed by my side. You saw through me and that was all I ever dreamed of.

But you were a threat; a threat to my armor, a threat to my sadness, my existence; shallow and hallow. So, I pushed and pushed, and you pushed and pushed back, and you didn’t leave. And then I pushed so hard that you finally left.

I didn’t understand. I blamed you. But I get it now. Now that I have learned to save myself, I realized that was what you were trying to do. I don’t blame you anymore. I just miss you my friend.