As I sat alone crying, praying for comfort, praying for someone to give me a hug, but knowing I wouldn’t readily accept it, I held my pillow tight. There was no trust, everyone was against me, whispered my anxiety and paranoia. They wouldn’t believe me, they wouldn’t understand; another one fallen victim to his charm, to this man.
What do I do? I love him, I hate him. I want to leave, I want to stay. I screamed that I deserved better as I begged for him to forgive me for his heinous actions. It made no sense. I couldn’t stop; clinging to the few happy memories. I committed to this life as he committed to slowly driving me insane.
Embarrassed, ashamed, weak, and anxious, I wiped my tears and kept going. I am strong I whispered to myself as though it was a badge of honor to continue in this cycle; as if my strength would turn my situation around. This was part of the process, this was part of the learning curve. He will see my worth. If I just keep proving myself; if I keep improving myself, he will see that I am worthy of his love.
It was a rat race. I was in a maze. I got the cheese and was captured, being let go and injured. I kept going, and I was slowly moving to the end of the maze where it would all be worth it. But when I got there, I was just injured and exhausted, left to hang out to dry.
Where was the love, respect, and life I earned? But I did everything. I passed every test and proved and improved. What do I do? He then showed me the new maze as he slyly smiled. The desperation came over me as he grew in stature and power. This is enough I said as I began the maze.
I was too deep in it to see what was happening. I was a pawn in his selfish and insecure game of life. And when I figured it out, it was the best and worst day of my life.