“Change is your greatest gift masked in fear.” - Lady B Collective
Change has always been very exciting for me. However, the act of changing has been one of my biggest struggles. I am a dreamer, and I loved the idea of moving different places, changing up my hair and style, and changing the status of relationships. I was in a constant battle with yearning for change and growth and feeling comfortable in the monotony of life. As I decided it was time for me to start healing and growing, to stop making myself small for others, and taking back my life to live the way that makes me happy, I knew it was time for some real change. See, I did a lot of temporary and quick change, but not very much consistent and long-lasting change. The changes worked for a bit, but then it went back to the comfort of my fears.
Fears are very present in my life. I convinced myself that once the fear went away, I was going to make the necessary changes. But the fear will never go away. I had and still have to do things scared and show up with fear. This invoked more fear, but over time, the fear began to move to the background, and I allowed myself to make the changes that were necessary. But first, it took some time to find out what I really wanted to change, what needed to change, and what I was just running away from.
I had been feeling the need for change and growth. How did I know this? I was feeling very agitated. I was seeking out more knowledge. The things I used to enjoy didn’t stimulate me and challenge me like before. The people did not encourage, uplift me, and have deep and meaningful conversations, and that was not okay with me. I knew I needed more in my life. It was time to take inventory on the variety of aspects in my life. And oh boy, did that show me how much I was just allowing myself to stay comfortably numb in my discomfort.
After I took inventory, it was time for me to see whether I just wanted these changes, or I needed them. Sometimes what you want is not what you need. This took some time and I had to dig deep to find these answers. I know that for a long time in my life, I equated running from problems and situations to change. I thought that if I moved, I would be okay. The reality is that I took all of my unresolved emotional baggage with me. Now we all have baggage, but it is important to get in touch with ourselves and heal ourselves. I kept doing the cycle of change without putting in the necessary work to actually change. Make sure that you realize that the change can be good, but it won’t solve your problems. It won’t heal you for you.
Here are a few things to keep in mind. Change is good, but never easy. You will be overcome by emotions at times. You will feel doubt, depression, anxiety, and fear. This is not to scare you, but to tell you the reality of change. And even with all of these difficult aspects, it will always be worth it. You will start to awaken to a lot of things from your past that you may not have dealt with. For me, it came to me via nightmares, random thoughts, and being triggered by people from my past. It is important to sit in the discomfort with these things and work them out.
Real change takes time. It is an up and down process. I have found that taking it day by day is helpful. There is no pressure to make huge changes at a time. Start very small but start. Over time, these small changes will accumulate into big changes throughout your life. It will also allow for you to make big changes easier down the line. Be very gentle with yourself. It can be easy to be hard on yourself. You don’t want to get in the habit of beating yourself up over things. This will get a lot easier when you implement self-love and self-care. Starting to really accept who you are and further that into loving yourself, will help with the self-defeat and self-pity that you will experience. Lastly, it is so important to take care of yourself, both mentally and physically. This will help with the many emotions you will be feeling. It is also a big part of change and healing. Treating yourself well will never be harmful. You deserve the opportunity to live your best life.