"People who never apologize are the reason so many of us over apologize."
Wouldn’t it be nice if we all just took accountability for our actions and apologized? I wish. Those three simple words are so difficult for people and cause the demise of many relationships. I am sorry can make such a difference, yet we allow ourselves, our egos, and right fighting (amongst other things) to get in the way. To some, getting an apology might not be necessary for them to forgive and move forward. But, at least for me, it was essential for me to move forward.
For a very long time, I needed that apology. Even more, I needed the person to own what they did. But I was met with a lot of dismissal, blame, and diversion. Instead of forgiving them for myself, I was on a mission to get an apology. I became a right-fighter. I thought that all of my factual information mixed in with my emotions were going to get them to apologize. But all I did was upset myself and begin to blame myself. Before I knew it, I had felt like everything was my fault.
I became easily frustrated and allowed everything negative to affect me. I took on the emotions of others and began to apologize all of the time. It became habitual and I felt lost in who I was as a person. I walked on egg shells not to upset anyone and began to feel more anxious and depressed. I did not realize how much other people were in charge of my life, my emotions.
I began to realize that I was really unhappy at the way I was responding to others. Was I triggered? Did I learn this behavior? How was I going to navigate through this? I became overwhelmed, and I was all up in my head. I decided then and there that I would stop apologizing for things I didn’t do and stop taking on others’ behaviors. Now this was a lot harder than I ever imagined.
I am sharing this story with you because I believe that we hold onto a lot of anger and hostility due to the lack of forgiveness we give others and ourselves. We become consumed with getting the answers and I’m sorrys that we believe that we deserve. The toxicity of this leads to a life not up to our full potential. It is important that we take our lives back. That we take control over what we want and go after it. Life can be so beautiful and full of opportunities if we allow ourselves to really live it.
Forgiveness is not easy. It is not something that can be done in a day. I would forgive people and still get so angry at them. I began to realize that forgiveness takes practice. It takes time. It takes the willingness to really want to forgive for yourself and move forward.
It is so incredibly difficult to look at someone you love who hurt you and won’t apologize. Even worse is when it becomes a pattern. And maybe the worst of all is when it is family. It is devastating, and the only option is to go through the pain. You need to feel it and start the healing process. You will mourn them like they are dead, and it will be heart-breaking to say the least. This is necessary to do. Take your time, surround yourself with good people, and take care of yourself. You have to force yourself to put yourself first. It will feel weird and foreign to do that, but you have to remember your worth and save yourself.
This will be a process of pain, healing, and awakening. You will have to get reacquainted with the new you and it will be scary and beautiful. This will be an isolating time, and to be honest, you will have periods of time where you feel like you are going crazy. You will feel frustrated with the things you once loved. You will have different relationships with people. You will have to rise to each level as you grow. And you will have to set boundaries. Oh, those boundaries that are so difficult to make and for people to follow. But you have to set them and stick with them. You will lose people and you will see who is really there for you. You will also get a lot of pushback. Stand your ground. This is all part of the process. I know you can do it. Just make that commitment to yourself, start small but start somewhere.