I still think about this. Don’t we all? I am constantly growing and changing. But for a long time, I was stagnant; changing only when I was forced to change. I felt lost. How was I going to figure out who I am? I didn’t want to think anymore about it, I just wanted things to happen and figure themselves out. The more I thought, the more confused and anxious I became. The worry set in alongside the comparison game and thoughts of incapability and lack of confidence. I guess they say, “fake it til’ you make it,” That sounded okay to me. Little did I know this thinking would lead me even further away from who I truly was as a person.
How did I really know who I was and what I wanted? Was this also what I needed. I knew that trying new things and listening to my gut and heart were part of the equation, but I couldn’t quite figure it out. I sat with my thoughts and ended up distracting myself. I thought my gut was telling me one thing, but it was my toxic habits that took the lead. Nothing seemed consistent. Nothing seemed completely right. Was this just life? We just go through it not really knowing what we are doing, but rather we keep going and adjust as we go along.
Everyone seemed to have it together. Even when they didn’t, they figured it out. For me, everything seemed difficult. I knew life wasn’t a cake walk, but I knew it wasn’t supposed to be this hard. Was it my anxiety? Was it just me? The more I thought about it, the more it kept me from healing the past, being present, and moving in the direction of the future. But I knew I had to feel it; feel all of those emotions that I have been stuffing down for years. It was time. I had to take accountability, responsibility, and put in the work myself.
So, my healing journey began. It was tough. It was liberating. I lost so much, but I gained even more. I started listening to my instincts and trusting myself. I learned more about myself than I ever had. And I was beginning to like the girl I was seeing. With every layer that I peeled back, I got more clarity and insight into myself. I learned that I needed to practice boundaries, forgiveness, and speaking kindly to myself daily. It felt uncomfortable, but the more I did it, the more I built healthy habits and momentum. I began to keep promises to myself and show up for myself even when I don’t want to. Every time, and to this day, I get nervous and am afraid when I show up. It is a part of me that doesn’t go away or define me, but I learn to accept it and cope with it.
I have learned that healing is a lifelong journey. I used to think it there was a destination, but there isn’t one. It bummed me out in the beginning, but it began to empower me as time went on. This also meant there was no time limit. I got excited about being able to evolve many times throughout my life; learn and grow and adapt. I still had time to go after everything I wanted to. This is motivating, and I still hold this close to me. It helps me to grow closer to my faith, and implement hope, gratitude, and patience into my daily life.
I ask myself who I am now, and I have a better idea of my core foundation. I am faithful, committed to my healing journey. I am kind, and imperfectly perfect intertwined in my flaws. I love helping people as well as helping myself. I am insightful, fearful, fiery, and vulnerable. I am still finding out how to live out my purpose, and I am finding the sweet spot between love and hate. I need love and respect, and I tend to give it before I receive it. I am emotional in the best ways, and in the worst ways. My perspective is always changing, and I am so stubborn sometimes. I am jaded and working on having more experiences that make me realize how loving and beautiful the world can be. I am much more, and I will continue to explore this. I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming. My hope is that you too can be proud of you no matter where you are on this journey 😊