When I think of transformations, the physical one usually comes to mind. Everywhere you look, you see another weight loss transformation. You see another “glow up.” And I love seeing them. I think it is always important to take care of yourself, and especially your health.

But I have noticed that sometimes these transformations seem to be on the superficial side. I have been through breakups, lost weight, bought new clothes and new hair. It felt temporarily good, but I never really dealt with the pain. I transformed on the outside, but not on the inside.

See, my outward transformation promoted an easy scapegoat back to my old ways. You attract the same type of people, you get the same unfulfilling attention, and it turns into a comfortable cycle. The pain stays hidden, but continues to rise. And there comes a point where the pain is too overwhelming, and something needs to done with it.

For me, I healed my pain with alcohol and meds. I made it okay in my mind because I had anxiety, and the medication and alcohol was not an issue, but rather calming agents. That is literally what I told myself to make myself feel as though I was facing the pain while still being productive. But I learned that I was making excuses so I could be alone in my pain and anxiety.

I got to the point that I was dying inside. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I knew that I was going though this pain for a reason. After all of the time that I cried, got angry, and didn’t understand why, I began to focus on purpose. I began to focus on how to turn this pain into purpose. This whole time I was continuing to hurt myself. This was allowing for my power and control to be put in the hands of others. I did not want that anymore, and this time, I was going to act on it. It was time to take my life back. It was time to find my purpose.

When I finally decided this, I was hyped and excited at first. I felt empowered and great. But that feeling faded quickly. I wanted so badly to go back to my coping mechanisms. I could actually feel a withdrawal from my habits. I could mentally and physically feel the presence of increased anxiety when I couldn’t call my enabling support or make tribute to my attention-seeking ways. I couldn’t believe that healing would be so painful. How is sitting still, alone, and with no distractions so unbelievably difficult? I knew I had a lot of habits to break, and at this point, I felt overwhelmed.

I knew the only way for me to keep going was to take it slowly. I had to not only be gentle with myself, but to realize that I am going to have my good and bad days, and setbacks. I decided to begin to shift my perspective. I decided to let the pain that was holding me back be the fire that pushes me forward. I was taking back my life, getting healthy in mind, body and soul, and that, my friends, is amazing. Hard work, but for once in my life, I will be able to be my most authentic and best self.

Remember, that the ultimate transformation is turning your pain into purpose. So many of us let the pain consume us. We live our lives with the pain tucked inside of us. But we don’t have to live this way. I know we all have had our struggles. I know it’s difficult to dig deep, talk about, feel it, heal it, and deal with it. We deserve to live a life we are proud of. We deserve to live a happy life despite what we have been through. We deserve to take that pain and watch the beautifully messy transformation.

We all have a purpose. The hard part is figuring out that passion. I found that if you take that pain and the things that make you so mad and angry, you can find the passion in those. Give yourself permission to transform from the inside out, and watch the possibilities unfold

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